My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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