So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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