I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
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