It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
