I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
do nipples grow back?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
