Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
