Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
