I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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