the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
