For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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