Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
