Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
