Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
my liver is dry heaving
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
