Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
