Ambien. No doubt about it.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
