i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
