i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Randomize
