This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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