the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
