the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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