just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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