I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
