Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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