Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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