if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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