If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
