were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
