Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
