I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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