What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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