the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
