hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
