its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
