My hand turned me down
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
