I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
