My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
