Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
