At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
