That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
