I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
