Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
