Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
