Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
