i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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