so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
