he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
