when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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