she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
