gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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