im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
