I haven't been this sober since birth.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
