come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
third nipple confirmed
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Randomize
