Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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